Rethinking Sex

Rethinking Sex

In her book “Rethinking sexChristine Emba brings up these stories of sexual encounters:

Have you experienced any of these:
“1. Thinking that we should be having s•x, even when we don’t really desire it, because that’s the impression society gives us – and thus seeing ourselves as incomplete, abnormal, or fallen behind if we aren’t doing it, even when we’re nothing of the sort.

2. Having s•x we don’t really want for reasons that we don’t fully agree with far more often than we would like- but also thinking that’s just how it goes, and that it would be unreasonable to ask for more.

3. Feeling jaded and discouraged by the romantic landscape, its lack of trust, emotion, and commitment – but also feeling as though other options aren’t reachable or even realistic.

4. Experiencing too much of the kind of s•x that saps the spirit and makes us feel less human, not more – s•x that leaves us detached, disillusioned, or just dissatisfied.

5. Knowing that something in our s•x and dating culture is somehow off and wishing that things were different – even if we don’t know exactly why we feel this way or how to make the shift to something better.”

I highly recommend Christine Emba’s book (buy it here) – a great start for an important discussion we should all have.

Miracle of life

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What’s Your Pleasure?

What’s Your Pleasure?

I was thinking recently of how we tend to associate pleasure with something guilty, sinful, that has to be limited. Whereas it should be otherwise: if something brings you pleasure, and you don’t hurt anyone, why shouldn’t you have as much as you want of it? Wouldn’t we all be just more at ease and happy if we would allow ourselves to have as much pleasure as we have? And it goes obviously beyond sex, any pleasure you can have in life. So let’s turn on all the senses and talk openly about pleasure.

For me pleasure is:

  • standing in the kitchen with a warm mug full of aromatic tea and looking through the window letting the time pass and my thoughts flow freely;
  • stroking my hand through long grass on a meadow;
  • smelling the skin scent of the person I love;
  • tasting the combination of tangy fresh fruits and velvety crème patisserie on a brittle buttery crust;
  • feeling the sunshine through my eyelids, binge watching period series/films;
  • dancing barefoot on our wooden living room floor;
  • walking fast down a busy city street with music in my headphones and feeling like I’m just in the intro to the movie about my life.
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50 ways to celebrate all types of love on Valentine’s Day

50 ways to celebrate all types of love on Valentine’s Day

Originally sent out as a newsletter – if you would like to get such posts ahead of everyone else, please subscribe to my newsletter on the bottom of the page.

I know that Valentine’s Day can be cringy as f*ck!

But let me introduce you to the way I see this: as an opportunity to show love in any form you would like: towards yourself, your friends & fam, your pets, the environment, your life passion and of course your romantic partner(s) as well.

I decided to create a list of things, most of them free, to help you discover types of love normally not visible in the popular culture, so obsessed with the initial stage of infatuation.

In my family Valentine’s Day was always about all the kind of love you see around – an easy way in even if your family member was not particularly open about their emotions. It’s Valentine’s Day, so it’s an excuse to be cheesy and express all the love you feel.

As hackneyed as it may sound I believe that love is all we need. Just not restricted to a particular limited way of seeing it.

50 ways to celebrate all types of love

  • Call the family member that taught you how to love and tell them about it.

  • Plan a date with your best friend – doesn’t have to be exactly on Valentine’s Day, but just so that you find time to talk to each other honestly and without time pressure.

  • Use a sex toy and discover how it can bring you pleasure. If you don’t have one – buy one, you totally deserve it, and there are multiple price tiers – you’ll find something for yourself.

  • Watch a movie that shows love normally not seen in popular culture (some of my favorites: Carol (2015) by Todd Haynes, Laurence Anyways (2012) by Xavier Dolan, Rafiki (2018) by Wanuri Kahiu, Gloria Bell (2018) by Sebastian Lelio).

  • Create and send a funny Valentine card to your friend you haven’t seen in a while.
  • Find a quote about love that speaks to you the most, write it down and put it somewhere around the house where you would see it often.
  • Send a “Happy Valentine’s Day” message to someone you know would be happy to get one.

  • Go for a walk and photograph all the graffiti connected with love you can find.

  • Write a love letter to your body.

  • Read On Connection by Kae Tempest

  • Find a poem about love that you like.

  • Cook or buy some food that would bring you comfort.

  • Read All About Love by bell hooks.

  • Think of a friend you lost touch with and try reconnecting with them.

  • Start saving up for something you wanted to get but always thought it would be too extravagant or too vain to get.

Think of what made you happy as a kid and find time to do it again very soon (dancing, singing, drawing, playing a game etc.)

  • Read Dog Songs by Mary Oliver – poems and short prose exploring the human-canine relationship.

  • Organize a clothing swap party – you’ll get rid of clothes you don’t need anymore, make friends and celebrate sustainability together.

  • Read Anatomy of Love by Helen Fischer – a natural history of mating, marriage and why we stray from an anthropological perspective.

  • Create a list of things you thought were necessary in a person for you to love them 10 years ago and compare it with what you think now.

  • Find a way you can volunteer and/or donate to a cause you find important.

  • Create a playlist for love making (with a partner or by yourself) – you can also listen to the one I created: Boudoir Love (see next to this text).

  • Next time you see a trash on your way somewhere pick it up and throw it into a bin – show that you care for the environment.

  • Watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011) by David Gelb, a documentary showing a true passion and love for what you’re doing in life.

  • Call your grandparents (if you have them, if not – any older and wiser people you know) and ask them what do they think love is.

  • Buy yourself flowers.

  • Write an erotic story based on your fantasy.

  • Watch your favorite love scene from an animated movie (for me probably the memorable kiss between the Lady and the Trump in the original animation).

  • Write an erotic story based on your fantasy.

Stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself in a loving way, finding the things that make you special and beautiful.

  • Watch your favorite love scene from an animated movie (for me probably the memorable kiss between the Lady and the Trump in the original animation).

  • Reach out to a creative person whose art inspires you and tell them about it – many times these artists have no idea that their work is impactful and be over the moon to learn they actually make your day.

  • Do a workout of your choice and bathe in the endorphins that follow.

  • Become a tourist in your own town – find a place you’ve never been, or never properly explored and walk around, maybe read about its history as well.

  • Support a local business and tell them how much you appreciate them being around.

  • Smile to people you pass on street and don’t get discouraged if they don’t smile back – in Berlin during winter it may come as a shock to them that someone is smiling.

  • Read A Letter to My Dog Exploring the Human Condition by Andrea Gibson.

Think of all the people you love and they love you back and realize that you are surrounded by love.


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